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Did we Survive?
If you have found your way to my website, then you may be keen to learn more about perimenopause, or menopause, or even relationships transitioning through those challenging years. But as a former scientist, then entrepreneur, and now author, it hasn’t been clear to me what my blog would or could be about. My passions don’t actually lie in the science of perimenopause, and there are many experts out there discussing relationships, so I feel that my (first) book “A Couple’s Survival Guide to Menopause” is all I want to write about that both of those matters.
Which leads me to a confession. One in which I feels somewhat awkward to announce, but at the end of the day, I prefer honesty – my relationship didn’t survive into post menopause. I know, I know, I even titled my book THE survival guide!
Like all relationships, it was complicated. There is rarely one singular cause for a separation. And mine was no different. There has been a LOT of reflection on the big “Why??” and of course, I asked myself if going through The Change did actually break us? Did I change so much and no longer want or need the things I had before perimenopause? Did I just become an intolerant old cow and decide living alone was better for everyone? I think there is a new book in this – when you look at the statistics of breakups around menopause – there are a lot of good questions to ask. Talk to any woman in their late forties and they can easily make a list of couples they know that are/have/on the brink of splitting up. Why? One theory is women just can’t be arsed tolerating what they have for years, others just decide to be and do things completely differently now they are free of children, others, I posset, just take one look at their aging nude husband one morning and think – “nah, I’m done here”. There would be a raft of reasons why, and lots of trying find plausible, tangible reasons, to justify the why, when sometimes I wager that the relationship may just not be a right fit anymore. Let’s face it, a lot of married people got together pre kids and now are empty nesters – a LOT changes in those years. What’s to say people just grow apart? Of course they do.
My next book is unlikely to be “50 Reasons why Women Leave their Blokes around Menopause” but it’s a good title if anyone else fancies writing it! I am considering however something along the same lines but not relationship specific. I began a practice in early January as one of my New Year’s Resolutions (I like to call them Intentions … clearly I have some issues here with commitment including words that sound commitment-esque). I digress. I began a daily habit/practice of throwing something out or putting it in a box ready to take to the local Opportunity Shop. I wasn’t planning a full scale declutter, Marie Kondo style. Just a simple one thing a day reduction. The odd sock, some stale opened crackers, etc. Then late January rolled around and I let go my eight year relationship! My Letting Go habit just jumped up a notch!
As February unfolded, I noticed I was culling other things, such as negative self talk about my extra padded body parts and dropping judgement of others, and still maintain the physical item depatching. By March I noticed I was calling this process “My Letting Go Project”. And that will probably be the subject of my next book.
“The Letting Go Project – how I let go a bunch of shit, including a relationship, drinking too much (aspirational), 20kg (also aspirational) and a lot of unworn clothes” Ok, it’s a working title, and given I am squeamish about commitment, I don’t want it in bold font yet the breaking of a bad habit and loss of a significant amount of perimenopause weight just yet. But you get the idea.
What’s one thing you could let go of today?
In the meantime, I want to share a few of my new poems – you will possibly get a glimpse of my grieving … sorry, not sorry.
Poetry is a wonderful way to heal.
Hammer and Nail
I miss your hammer and my nailI miss the late moonwhole and pale
I never imaged it would failIs there such a thing?After all that paint, and grit and glueand sex on dusty drop sheets too
We admired the sheen and the glossAnd we forged with effort and with sweat
and kissedcountless bruised thumbs …
But I didn’t check the foundations
Did you?
Samantha Brown
Edith
Edith sat by the firewith a pot of tea for oneas she was accustomedfor her Scottie dog drank none
Edith sat by the fireand remembered tea for threea tray of shortbreadfor herself, Nancy and Fayley
Edith sat by the fireyet her tea went coldprone to nodding offtwas the fare of the old
Edith sat by the firewith steeped leaf from Tombayher carding pale blueand perhaps a little fray
Edith sat by the firewith her beloved cup of teatwas carefully poured…before noon,of yesterday.
Samantha Brown